As i sit on my shower floor watching clear glistening water droplets fall over my legs, i observe the silence of what is one child asleep in his cot, and the other sitting watching  playschool while she eats chips for lunch. 
A shower is a rare accomplishment us mothers get to relish in, but for me today it was far from enjoyable. I sat staring at the soap bottle and my somewhat hairy legs, before long my vision was cloudy from the tears that had welled up in my eyes.  

I am a silent sufferer of depression, and while i like to think that for the most part i have it defeated, it’s days like today when it’s worse than others, that i realise i don’t – and maybe i never will. After 2 ridiculously sleepless nights while my little man was so restless, he went from the mattress to the bed consistently rolling over and crawling up, trying to boob him back to sleep only to realise that every time i would try to roll over into a comfortable position, no matter how deep a sleep i think he is in- somehow despite every effort of extreme stealth he still notices i have moved an inch from him and im stuck once again trying to console him to sleep. 

Today i have no energy and the house is a mess after an attempt to go to sleep early thanks to hubbys suggestion of trying to catch up on sleep. Regardless of my energy level- or in this case, my lack there of, i prepared the children for Friday morning playgroup. I ventured out of the house without make up to cover these ugly bags and uneven skin tone, in hope that the children might use up some of their unendless energy. My son, refused to leave my side and the only part of the morning he enjoyed was snack time. So in attempt to refresh myself, at the suggestion of my best friend i decided to have a shower now that my son was having his morning nap and my daughter was allowed some tv time with an unhealthy lunch.(sue me.). 

I had hoped that the shower would restore my energy, but instead i found myself huddled in an emotional mess on the luke warm shower floor.All the thoughts and emotions crowding my mind, i inhaled and exhaled, closed my eyes and briefly reminisced over the times my best friend and i have  spent together.My best friend, the one person i turn to when im having a bad day- who relates instead of trying to compare, who is always there when i need to have a whinge about shitty people in my life, always willing to offer a word or in her case an entire lecture of support- is leaving next week and i am beside myself. 

She is like the sister i never had, a crazy yet wise beautiful woman who has no filter and says it as it is. We met through mothers group with our girls and were in touch on and off since, until we both became pregnant with our sons- where we really became great friends. I remember i was awake in the middle of the night in hospital a few days after having my son, when she messaged me telling me she was in labour and i told her to call the hospital, when i heard the phone ring a short while after, i knew it was her and she was coming up. 

I saw them replace the bed and name tag and my heart skipped a beat when i found out we would be sharing the same room. Her first night was my last night in, and i will never forget how awesome that was, and how exciting it was to be able to get someone other than myself sandwhiches from the fridge at 3am. A memory i will always treasure. 

Although we will no longer be in the same state, i know that wont stop us sending constant messages with crazy pics of us or the kids and probably video calling each other. Regardless of the distance, i will always be here for you- and i know you will always be there for me. My heart aches as i try to find more words to describe this emptiness i am starting to feel. All i know is once your gone i will be an outcast again- sitting at the end of the table, in hope someone will include me  in their conversations. It will be heartbreaking the first time my daughter asks for her friend and i have to explain again she has moved, I’m not sure im prepared for that day, or the next times she asks when we attend our regular weekly playgroup.

Today is the day before tomorrow when i have to say farewell to you all, and I don’t know if i will be able to hold it together or if i will end up as a blubbering baby; all i do know is i am prepared for that feeling of void i will have as the tears well in my eyes when we begin our drive home, knowing that will be the last time for a long time i will see you.