Rekindled.

One month ago, I was at the end of my ropes. I hated who I was and everything I had become. I resented the person looking back at me in the mirror, for more reasons than one. I was selfish, judgemental, I thought the whole world was against me, I was a lousy housewife and a less than average mother. I could see the person I wanted to be, but where she stood was miles away from where I was. I always had her in my sight but could never get close enough to becoming her, and I would beat myself up over and over again like a ‘stop hitting yourself’ scene from The Simpsons and such. I would get so down on myself for not being who I wanted- and needed to be, that I was oblivious to the fact that I was bringing my family and my household down with me.

I saw everyone around me, seeing them so wonderfully happy and perfect made me feel worthless, made me doubt everything I was and if I was ever good enough to be a mum or a wife. I would always think that my husband, and my children could all do better without me, that these wonderful people didn’t deserve to have the horrible person I had become in their lives. I wouldn’t be completely honest if I didn’t tell you that in that time, that state of mind I had thought of harming myself as I did in the past. Just for a brief time, to be able to focus my mind on something other than the thoughts in my own head and everything around me. But I didn’t. I learnt from my past mistake that it does nothing except leave a scar, a permanent reminder of the person you were and the dark times that had passed.

I was so selfish that I didn’t stop to realise that the toxic environment in our house I had come to notice was surrounding us, was caused by me.

At the end of June came a discussion after dinner and the words I never thought I would hear out of my husband’s mouth “I feel we are drifting apart” I feared losing the one person I waited to be with, the only man I have ever truly loved, my soulmate.

Then a little over a week later, the first time I doubted the future of our marriage. In 8 years of friendship, 6 years together and 3 years married I never had a doubt in my mind that we wouldn’t be sitting on our front porch watching our grandkids play in the yard while our children told us about their week. I never had a doubt until that night, when I walked out of the house in tears with the kids and didn’t want to go back. Until I went back a few hours later and my husband said, “I’m sure we are over.” For a brief amount of time I doubted what lied ahead. Then I was reminded of a beautiful story of a marriage that was on the brink of divorce but it was brought back to life (Fireproof the movie) , and I remembered the quote “Never leave your partner behind even in a fire.” And I decided to live by it. Even though I was the one who mostly needed to change, I knew that there were some things my husband needed to improve on and that me changing myself would change him. I knew that he didn’t deserve to go through divorce because of who I had become.

Then came the day where my eyes were opened. Where instead of only feeling what was inside and seeing things from my own point of view, I saw myself and my life around me from everyone else’s perspective. I could see anger, misery, sorrow and most of all I could see unhappiness, not only in myself but in the ones I loved around me- my children and my husband. When you hear the words repeated to you, that came out of your daughters mouth “I can’t be happy at home” in that moment, apart from everything inside of you breaking and tears welling in your eyes, you realise something needs to change, and it needs to change fast. I have 3 people to thank for opening my eyes that day- my Mother In Law, My Friend and My Husband. I don’t think you truly understand how much you helped me that day, but maybe through reading this you will.
You see, I realised that day that I could pretend to be happy around others, I could force a smile and I could pretend everything was fine and dandy, yet at home I was someone entirely different. The people who opened my eyes suggested I take antidepressants, and at first it sounded like a great idea. A sure-fire way to increase my mood, productivity and mindset, it sounded like just what I needed. But something inside of me didn’t feel it was what was right for me. Now I am not saying that I am against them, because I do believe in them and I do believe they work, It just didn’t feel right for me. So I went home and discussed it with a few other people, my friend, my mentor, and my husband. However, it wasn’t until I spoke to my father and heard some truths from him that really hit home. It was then, that night after I spoke to him that I decided to wave the white flag and ask for God to intervene. I asked God to help me change over the period of the next month, so that I could use it to glorify Him and share His reality, His Grace and His power with the world around me.

I remember hearing somewhere, and I can’t remember where- That being broken does not mean defeat. Being broken gives the light a chance to shine through

Again, I would be a liar if I wasn’t honest, this time in thinking that a profound change would happen overnight. I partly expected to spring out of bed in the morning and be the person I had always wanted to be. There was a small change, I had the energy to get out of bed, want to face the day and do some housework- something I hadn’t been able to do for over a week. That night I found myself in another heated debate with my husband over our future. When he said “I can’t live in a house of misery anymore” i just didn’t know where things were going, but I continued to hold on and fight, and I am beyond grateful that I did.

The following day July 20^th I decided to do a spontaneous date night- a second first date. I messaged my husband a cute message asking him to come to the café after work, and my heart pounded as I waited- wondering if he would show. He did. We proceeded to have one of the best dates I think we have ever had. This could be the start of something new I thought as I broke out into the popular rendition from the well-known High School Musical… no I’m just kidding, I didn’t really do that because I would scare those around me into the foetal position with the sound of my voice which can only be likened to a combination of nails on a chalkboard and the slaughtering of several felines.

Anyway, things continued to be amazing. I started to find myself happier, more affectionate and more motivated. I hadn’t felt this good in a long time! Then 2 days later, in the middle of my work at night I stopped. For the first time in my life I felt like my insides matched my outsides. I was smiling on the outside, and beaming on the inside. I felt a happiness I had never felt before. Everything that had happened and was happening was for a reason, and I was exactly who I needed to be. I didn’t need to prove myself, or justify myself, and I certainly didn’t need to reach out to the woman standing miles away because for the first time in my life, I had reached her- I had become her, or at least a part of her.

It’s good to always strive to be better, because it motivates you in the right direction to try new things and go on new adventures, however like myself, it shouldn’t be something that consumes and defines you.

Things were moving forward, my husband was happier, I was happier and so were the kids. There was a new sort of foreign atmosphere in the house that felt too good to be true, but it wasn’t and it was only the beginning. As if the changes inside and out weren’t enough for me to know things were finally on the right track, whilst visiting hubby’s parents his mum came in and handed me some jewellery asking, “Maddi is this your ring?” I was almost speechless. I was amazed. She had just handed me my (once) missing engagement ring that had been gone for over 2 years, to the point where I had given up looking for it. It was sitting on their bathroom windowsill the entire time and nobody even realised. My husband and I both agreed that it now had a new meaning, a new significance and a new and deeper commitment. I can’t help but smile when I look at it and think of how far we have come.

Today marks the end of the month I had to change. The past month we have still had our moments, as every relationship does. However, I have learnt to handle them in a totally different way. I have learnt to not let the bad days define me, because I know the following day will be another opportunity to learn and love. I am no longer selfish, I don’t expect my husband to come home and take the weight off my shoulders, when really we should be taking the weight off each other together. I have learnt to not leave the dishes on the sink because that’s his job to do so, even if he had a tiresome day at work, instead I do them majority of the time and for the first time in my life I have continued to do the dinner dishes after dinner! (that’s huge considering I used to be a slob!) I have learnt that how I act, and the mood I am in affects those around me. I am starting to continually exercise and I am learning to balance work and family time. My husband has said that he doesn’t know what has happened to me, and that if our marriage stays like this he will be happy!

God saved my marriage!

I wanted to write this not only as a personal testimony to share God’s Grace and glorify Him, but also as a story of hope.
No matter where you are in your life, you can move forward, I know you can get through the hard time you might be in. There ARE better times ahead.

I am here to tell you, it’s ok to have a time in your life where you’re in the dark because it’s often then that you find the light.

I know you can get through your dark place, I am here as proof that you too can get through this. x